


Crossover episode

by movingon_exceptnot



Category: BoJack Horseman
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Confrontations, Divorce, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Everyone Has Issues, F/M, Feels, First Kiss, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Kiss cam, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Romance, bojack learns to love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-28 20:40:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30145275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/movingon_exceptnot/pseuds/movingon_exceptnot
Summary: Mr. Peanutbutter and Bojack kiss, live on tv, this brings feelings buried deep inside. However, being married and never being able to explore your feelings gets in the way. Alcohol does help especially if it's a lot of it, It helps even more when all parties involved are drunk. If you had to choose between your current love, which might or might not be falling apart, or an old crush what would you do?
Relationships: BoJack Horseman/Mr. Peanutbutter, Mr. Peanutbutter/Diane Nguyen
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	1. Kiss cam

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic and english is my first language but I hope you enjoy it!

I didn't want to kiss him, but if it's the only fair thing, I owned him, I owned Diane too, so that they could move on and I didn't ruin a marriage. But of course, he does look good, and he has very soft lips, and I like the way he holds me and the way my hands fit around him and the way he pulls me closer for the kiss and how this feels more intimate and longer than with Diane, maybe I like that, so maybe that's why I kept kissing him.  
So we kissed, maybe for a second too long, or 10, maybe a minute too long. There's no way to tell because for the first time in my life it was quiet, everyone was screaming don't get me wrong, but inside my head it was quiet and I wasn't aware of the imminent death that is constantly hovering over my drugged, alcoholic, old, suicidal self.  
I didn't want to move, no I couldn't bring myself to do it and I hate him for doing it but I have myself even more for thinking that, even though he should and so should i. Oh and I definitely shouldn't have enjoyed it or kept thinking about it hours after or imagining what could have happened if years ago I didn't reject him. No, I don't let myself get down that road, no matter how much I hate myself and how much I deserve to suffer, this is too much for me to handle.  
When I get home I realize “shit I'm home”, my girlfriend is talking, but I spaced out till I got here, all I could think is that kiss. Pay attention to what she’s saying you dumb shit. Do not keep thinking about that kiss, or how you can still feel his lips if you focus. Just focus.  
-..and that kiss was something…- she seemed upset  
\- WHAT that kiss was nothing it didn't matter and I wish we would stop talking about that - damn it why does she have to bring this up.  
\- what about your kiss with Diane, did that one mean something?  
\- Aaaand that's my cue to leave- Diane goes out to the pool, clearly drunk.  
There's one moment of quiet before she goes off about how weird it is that she lives here, and how can I disregard their relationship? And do I even care about our relationship?  
-Then leave! - I yelled but I don't know if I wanted her to leave, I don't think I cared if she stayed either.  
-What happened to us Bojack?- she was sad and her goddamn selfish boyfriend was still thinking about that kiss  
-The same thing that always happens, you fell in love with me then you got to know me.- this is why I can't even risk thinking about Mr. Peanutbutter because I couldn't bear to lose him.  
\- It's funny when you lose at someone through rose color glasses, all the red flags just look like flags- and this is the problem, all I am is red flags.  
She left, packed her things, and went without another word, this is for the best anyway. I was only with her because she didn't know who I was and now she does. Now she sees all of me, well all that I show. It's not as if I could love Mr. Peanutbutter even if he took me, I never learned how to love.  
Why did I think that? I don't want to be with him and I don't want him to love me. I don't even wanna think of him that way. No “but”, no “ifs'' I don't want to date him. ever. I don't even deserve it. Not love, not him, and especially not his love. Even if I did it wouldn't matter, he’s not gay, hence the 2 ex-wives and the new one, Diane. Right, Diane, I can't even imagine what would happen if she knew about this.  
Maybe she would understand, maybe she would tell me that she knew I was repressed, but I'm not, I've always known I liked men and women but I've also always known what people would think of me, I've known how my parents think, they were never one to hide their disappointment in me.  
“the least your worthless ass can do is give me grandchildren ” yeah right like I'm passing this shit to some children that didn't ask to be born into this, mom  
“This is your mother’s fault” thanks dad, not the worst response tho.  
Just as it began it was over, like everything else with my parents, we don't talk. So I told myself it was a phase, that I don't care if I like man, it's not like I'll ever love anyone anyway.

I'm drinking, fuck, when did this happen? In between your girlfri- your ex leaving and you thinking about Mr. Pea-. Shut up, don't say his name, just shut up. Or what will you drown me with your vodka? You know I will.

“hey what happened” right Diane is here

“we broke up” it's not a lie but it's not the whole truth, but what is the other option? Tell her I am in lo- I lik- I think her husband is hot and I want to kiss him again? NO, because I don't want that 

“shit, sorry, was that because of me?” 

“no” it's not her fault, it's not his fault either, It's mine I did this to myself, like always, but this is my fault for letting myself feel. Never again.  
I don't want to stay with her so I'll leave for a bar, of course, a bar where else would you go you stupid alcoholic fuck. Maybe if I drink enough I will forget about how when he was holding me right at the end, a second before he let go, he pulled me closer, faster, maybe even a little more desperate. But I am just imagining things, because why would he do that? Why would he need me, no one needs me, no one even wants me.  
I look at the bar's name: Hans's bar.


	2. I'm sorry

This was necessary and maybe if I tell myself that enough I will believe in it. On the other hand, I don't need to think about this, I could just keep kissing Bojack, once an untouchable crush on tv, to someone I’ve met at events, to a friend, and now I'm kissing him. Not that we do this often, we have actually never kissed, but why am I explaining this? I know all of this. Yet here we are. Kissing. I just can't believe that this is the first time our lips touch, and what lips. He tastes of cigars and that would bother me more if I didn't feel his hands holding me.  
I forgot about everything, all I could think was him, touching him, kissing him, feeling him and I pulled him closer. This woke me from my trance, I have a wife, Diane, I can't do this. I can't be pulling him closer and I can't be forgetting about my wife, the whole reason why this is happening.  
So I stop and hope that's enough to keep him off my mind, keep this kiss, off my head.

it didn't work.

What am I thinking? I love Diane, right? Yeah, I love her, I love everybody, and yes I love Bojack, but not in that way. No, because I'm married and he could never love me like this, so I don't love him because I can't.  
The show is over, so I go home. Not to my wife because while I'm here thinking about Bojack and how he didn't pull away and while I'm thinking what if I didn't pull away and while I tell myself that nothing because we were in a show, even if I forget that, my wife is out there doing important work. I miss her, every day till the kiss, where all I could think is “Bojack Bojack Bojack Bojack Bojack”.  
Stop thinking about that! Now! I pull into the side road because I need some distraction. Universe help. So I look up and there it is a bar. Hans's bar. Not what I usually do but what the hell, it's not like I have a wife at home to complain when I get drunk. Getting inside was an experience that smelled like cigarettes and booze. It smelled like Bojack, maybe because of that reason I didn't leave, or maybe it's because I'm sad that I've been alone and that that kiss made me remember a feeling I forgot I had, one I buried deep down. After all, I knew I can't feel this way, he doesn't want me.  
This is my second drink. You know I'm not stupid, I know we aren’t as close as I want us to be. I know he probably doesn't want to even be around me anymore. Third drink. He won't want to be my friend, he won't want to see me. Fourth drink. He hates me. Fifth drink. I see a horse come through the door, but it's not him. Just like the one I married wasn't him. Sixth drink and I'm close to falling.  
What if all those years ago I had told him? I have never seen him with a man, but maybe… No, I can't think this way. I can't keep wondering. Seventh drink. Well, what if I don't have to wonder. If I could just focus on my phone maybe I could call him and... and ask then I can put this to rest…  
What if he says yes? What if I did, or still do have a chance? I look at his name “Bojack Horseman bf”. Best friend of course. Of course. It's not as if sometimes I look and find myself imagining “boyfriend”. Nevermind that. Should I call? I mean if I do and he says no then this is what I want, I can move on, not think about this ever, right? Yeah, that's how it works. It has to because I need to move on if he says no.  
Then again if he says yes. What can I do? I can't be with him, right? I mean I have a wife! Diane is counting on me, while she is out there making a difference in the world, and here I am calling Bojack. Shit, I'm calling him. I hung up and hoped he didn't see, this sobered me up so I got another drink. Ninth? Tenth? I don't remember. He didn't call me back so I assume he didn't see.  
I'm fucked. I can't keep thinking about him. I can't keep doing this. All of my ex-wives always said I was never fully there. I need to be for this one, I can't have another failed marriage. I can't do this to Diane. I'm sorry Diane… Shit now I'm calling Diane… She doesn't pick up, she hasn't been picking up lately. So screw it I am going to think about him because the relationship I do have barely exists.  
So I will imagine if …  
.  
.  
.  
I'm so excited to be here at the Animal Choice awards in 1994! At the after-party with all these famous people! And there he is, Bojack. The Bojack Horseman, my crush. Ok, be calm, relax and go talk to him. Oh, fuck now he's talking with Hank. The Hank Hippopotamus! I've always admired him! So now my crush and my inspiration talking. I'm too close to go back. And I want to talk to them!  
The talk was great! With The Hank. Now it's just me and Bojack, just us. He orders a drink, he looks so nice, I step closer, just one more step not for the lack of space since it's just us. He takes a sip. Maybe I shouldn't say anything I mean I've just broken up with Katrina. It's not like he knows if Bojack likes man… Do I even like men? I mean I don't think I've ever cared.  
.  
.  
.  
Now, this is the part where I wish I could have told him. For the sake of making me feel good I'll imagine I did and I imagine that maybe we could have been something. Fuck I'm crying.  
\- Mr. Peanutbutter?- is that… is that Bojack?

\- Bojack?- I have to be my usual self, if he asks what is wrong I'm too drunk to lie- and me in the same bar? What is this a crossover episode?


	3. Alcohol

I'm alone again, I can't call my husband because I've been lying to him for months and Bojack just left. I guess I'll drink, maybe I'll forget that I am a hypocrite and a liar and the worse. What I can always count on is this house having a lot of booze, said and done. Opening the fridge there's… a couple of beers? Seriously Bojack you couldn't even do this right?   
I'm not actually mad at him. It's not his fault I am a hypocrite that can't change the world and all my aspirations and dreams were lies or that I'm ruining the best relationship I've ever had because… because...Mr. Peaunutbutter is such a good person and I can't bear to disappoint him. That's not true and you know it, Diane, you have already disappointed you, like usual, you just refuse to believe in that.

Shut up.

So I get the one, two, three, four beers. This is not enough to get drunk, I'll have to go buy more but later not now. I shouldn't drive, I'm stupid but not that stupid. Sitting on the couch I realized how trashed the house is. It could be worse if Bojack's girlf- ex-girlfriend wasn't here. Shit, I forgot about that completely, what a horrible fucking friend I am, he’s letting me stay here all this time, not charging and not telling anyone, just for me to completely forgot he just went through a breakup. He's probably already drunk off his ass, god knows where, doing god knows what, probably telling himself that he is better off this way.

I should call him.

I reach my phone on the table and as the screen turns on I see a picture of me and my husband. Fuck. I grab another beer instead. I mean why face everything that is going wrong with my life when I can drink and watch whatever is on tv. This was a bad idea, this being, besides other things, turning on the tv. Of course, they are showing something about Mr. Peanutbutter, I turn off before I can hear what it is. Whatever it is, I don't wanna know.  
I can always watch Horsing Around, Bojack has all of the episodes and all of the seasons, such a weirdo. It does remind me of my childhood a little so that is nice, not that my childhood was good, but the nostalgia feeling is real. I can even pick my favorite episodes since I don't have enough booze to watch a full season.  
Moving myself to get into a better position I can see the trail of bottles to the outside of the house, right Bojack was drinking, that's why there's no more alcohol. Not that it matters, I'll just go to a liquor shop or something.   
The episodes are not great but fine, with cheapshots and outdated jokes, but maybe the problem isn't the show, it's you. Maybe you wanna find problems because then it's the show's fault you're not laughing, or happy, but no. It's not the show's fault or anyone else's fault. It's you, you are the problem, you are the one that ruins everything. You Diane, and only you, are the problem.

I need more beer.

And that's what I do. Another one right after that, great now I only have one beer and I'm nowhere near-drowning my fears, I guess this is what happens when you are used to drinking with a horse. Drinking with an alcoholic horse. Is it bad that I wish he was here? Is it even worse that it's because I wish he was here so I would feel better about myself?   
Why would Mr. Peanutbutter even love me? He is so lovable and loving and all I am is mean and broken? I suppose opposites do attract. He is everything I want to be, open, nice, and well just Mr. Peanutbutter. Maybe I could be like him, more open, nicer. That way I might even talk to people. To do that I need to stop thinking “maybe” and just do it. Damn it Diane just did something!

I drank the last beer.

If I do want to change so I can be more deserving of my husband's love I should go out. But to where? Anywhere with enough Vodka to take me out. I don't want to buy and come back to this lonely house. I’ll just drink at a bar or something…

No one wants to see you like this.

You know what Diane you are right, I need to clean myself up, take a shower because, shit I smell bad. Yeah, a shower and new clothes, that has to solve all my problems and cure my depression. If it doesn't the bar will. Trying my best not to give up and lay on the ground mopping as I've done for the past months, I move towards the bathroom. Looking in the mirror above the sink.  
Fuck I look like shit. Maybe I need a new look? I'm sure there must be some scissors here. This is a bad idea, plus, there are no scissors. A shower it is. The second the water hits my face I start to cry, I will never be enough, no matter how hard I cry, no matter how much I change, because there is something inherently bad in me.  
Mr. Peaunutbutter is going to divorce me, as soon as he figures it out I'm broken and unfixable. Maybe he already knows, that's why he wanted me away. Maybe he hasn't divorced me yet because he thinks I'm in an active war zone. Shit the second he sees me he's going to break up with me.   
What if he never finds out? I can fake my death. No Diane you are not drunk enough to blame that terrible idea on the alcohol. So what you are saying is get drunk and blame everything on the alcohol?... Yes. This voice is much nicer than the one that tells me I'm worthless. That sounded like there's more than one voice in my head, I'm glad this is all happening in my head, otherwise, people would judge me and I wouldn't blame them.  
Finally getting out of the shower and putting some clean clothes on, wait are those clean? They smell fine. My standards have dropped way too much. Regardless of whatever the last 5 minutes were, I called an Uber and put the location to a bar nearby. Hans’s bar.


	4. Hans's bar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the narrator changing halfway! Thanks to everyone who read it and for the kudos!

Being a bartender isn't the worse job, sure dealing with drunk people can be the worse. Regardless of that, right now I wish I wasn't one, because if I didn't work here I wouldn’t have to be kicking out Bojack Horseman, again, and an actor I loved till today: Mr. Peanutbutter all while this random lady yells at them. Of course, it didn't start that way, when they first saw each other, hours after Mr. Peanutbutter ordered his first drink.  
After Peanutbutter says something about a crossover episode? They just stared at each other for what it felt like forever, I was sure they were going to start a fight, that is what usually happens when two guys stare so much. They didn't, Bojack sat next to him but didn't order a drink? He wasn't near as drunk as usual.  
\- Are you ok?- Bojack asks, taking Peanutbutter’s drink off his hand  
\- Of course! You know me Bojack I’m… your... your sappy happy dog! Well not “yours yours” just yours as in friend because that is what we are, good friends and I can't be yours because I am Diane’s so…- he looks sad, as in about to cry  
\- What? - Bojack stops the endless mumbling  
\- Look I am married to my wife - why did he say that so depressingly?  
\- Obviously - Bojack finally orders a drink- You married her because you love her, right?  
\- Yes I love her, but …  
\- But? - Bojack sounds hopeful? I should go to work but this is very interesting…  
Holy shit! Mr. Peanutbutter just went for it, a kiss that seems desperate. People around were shocked, taking pictures and videos, soon all of Holywoo will know of this.  
\- Mr. Peanutbutter? - a lady that I can only assume is the dog’s wife says very surprised, but then again who wouldn’t be? She starts to cry - How could you? With … with HIM?  
This is when the screaming started, all 3 at once all I could understand was “ how could you?”, “ I love him, at least I have feelings, Diane!” and “Wait you love me?”. As much as this was interesting, it was also very disturbing the other customers so I had to kick them out. I guess we will never know what happened to this love triangle, or maybe they will make an official announcement that I’ll see in the news.  
.  
.  
.  
Outside of the bar Bojack expects Diane to punch him, he even wants it because he doesn't know how but this is his fault and he deserves to get punched. Meanwhile, Peanutbutter is almost falling unable to stop thinking about how he just kissed the guy he has been in love with for years, part of his brain insists on focusing on the negative but those thoughts are muffled by the ever-increasing one about how Bojacks lips feel on his. Diane, on the other hand, doesn't know how to feel, she wants to believe her husband was too drunk and confused Bojack with her? Or maybe that she deserves this for lying and being a terrible person, maybe it was Bojack’s fault, that he kissed Mr. Peanutbutter not the other way around.  
Regardless of that, they had one thing in common: they were all speechless. When someone finally talked it was Diane, very quietly she asks for all of this to be a dream, what she actually asks is:  
\- What happened? - with her hands around herself  
\- I'm sorry Diane... I don't know I…- Bojack says afraid to lose her, the one person that believes he could be better  
\- I kissed Bojack...Wait what are you doing here I thought you were in… in… that place!- Peanutbutter almost doesn't get the words out but he says it before throwing up.  
After that Bojack and Diane decide to take him to Bojack’s house till he sobers up, the car ride was long, and as much as his brain yelled at him to say something, anything at all, nothing came out. Diane could see Bojack’s mouth open and close, she should tell him she’s not mad at him, she knows it wasn't his fault but seeing him suffer gave her a sense of cosmical justice, why should only she feel shitty right now?  
So that is what they did, each one focused on themselves, no talking, revisiting the recent events. Once they reached their destination, they carried Mr. Peanutbutter to the guest room. Sitting on the couch they once laughed and bonded at, feeling as if they were on opposite sides of the world, but only a few inches away.  
\- He’s a good kisser, right?- that's all she can bring herself to say, feeling weird to be comical relief but does it anyway because for once Bojack seems serious.  
\- I swear I don't know what just happened, all I did was go to have a drink and he was there..-  
\- I know - she nods along  
\- He was already drunk and ..-  
-Bojack, I know- that's when she allows herself to cry.  
The famous actor doesn't know what to do, he is terrible at comforting people, he put his arm around her and looked at this woman, that helped him so much, suffers because of him. He knew what he had to do, leave and never come back. It pains him to admit that even tho he pretended to be annoyed, he is always glad to see Mr. Peanutbutter, he is a light at the end of a very dark tunnel and if he could he would give him his crossover episode, but he can't. So the dreams of two dads who adopted orphans falling in love and becoming a family can never come true, even if he could bring himself to admit that he likes Mr. Peanutbutter and that those two kisses were the best of his life and that he regrets keeping all that inside.  
How could he let this all free? He saw what catching feelings do to a person, Herb was fired and it almost ruined his life. Yes, times have changed, but even if he wasn't married, he couldn't bring himself to ruin Peanutbutter’s life. He already ruined so many.  
They were all expecting something of the future, every single one wrong. I don't think anyone could have predicted what would happen next.


End file.
